My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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