dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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