She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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