I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
