fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
