god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
