do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
