If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
