so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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