Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
