im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
