we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
