Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
