Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
