You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
