When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
