I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
