i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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