my mouth tastes like poor choices
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i just had sex bonerless
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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