Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
