Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
