If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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