I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
