I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
