Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
