apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
