It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You made out with two different species that night
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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