I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
