we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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