rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
