I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
