Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I want a musical about memes.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
