On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
