apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
