I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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