spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
