did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
