I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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