so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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