Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
