My sheets look like a crime scene.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
