I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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