Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
