Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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