We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I have so many feelings about this burrito
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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