dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
