Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
