bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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