made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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