I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
