I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Randomize
