you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
