lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
